A Modern Psalm

"He is a sane man who can have tragedy in his heart and comedy in his head." 
-G.K. Chesterton


--

Hauntings of Hurt

It catches up to you, I think

While sitting up, awake

When shifting winds that kept our gaze

Abruptly cease to take

And you are left, with broken heart

and time that’s left you dry

A prayer, a jolt of fervency,

You compensate in cry.

How to regain what's ever-lost?

What cure is there for more?

It’s times like these I need to 

feel the God who can restore.

So powerless, I scratch and claw

and fight for things unsaid.

I feel the things I wish I felt

In the heat of day instead.

Too much is lost to be regained

My breath, a measured clock

My feeble knees, the tears we’ve shed

Hauntings of hurt kept stock.

To wish things took a different course?

There’s much we’d never know.

Our limping feet, our aching wounds

Cliche, caused us to grow.

My soul unready

Mind unsafe

Still something in me floats

Surpassing understanding

The peace, assurance, hope.

This ground is cracked

of that, I’m sure

My fingers cannot mend

or fill, or catch, or reverse time, 

to will our lives not bend.

I’m looking now, as through a sieve

And seeing now in part

What one day will be seen in full

Each piece of my worn heart.

--

Sing praise to the Lord, you saints of His,
And give thanks at the remembrance of His holy name.
For His anger is but for a moment,
His favor is for life;
Weeping may endure for a night,
But joy comes in the morning.
(Psalm 30:4-5)

And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.
(Revelation 21:4)

Running Run-On

As you know, a lot of the time I write about some pretty heavy and spiritual things.

And I really love to. A lot.

But I also think I have to be honest about the full picture of the inner workings of my brain, and in the spirit of honesty...

Here are some thoughts I had while I was out running today.

1. Gosh, it's invigorating out here!
2. Wait, NO, scratch it all, I'm cold.
3. Pushing through, pushing through...
4. -insert song stuck in my head that happens to be the same rhythm as my running gait-
5. I'm gonna run a lap around this track and see if I don't drown in this melted snow puddle.
6. Nice, I won't have to do most of this run with wet shoes!
7. But a great way to clean them, amirite?
8. That guy has a FUBU jacket. Remember that brand?!
9. I wish I had my headphones right now, I sometimes really regret when I try to be noble and unplug.
10. Nevermind, this is great for spiritual thoughts and prayer.
11. -different song comes to mind that also works with my running gait-
12. Ugh. Darn it.
13. Does this guy think we're racing?
14. Go faster.
15. If I had headphones on I wouldn't be able to hear him catching up to me right now.
16. You are not racing, calm down.
17. This park always smells like fast food. What and where and why?
18. I don't hate this.
19. Don't run while you're hungry anymore. This is all about health here.
20. So many snowmen! People still do that?!
21. That's heartwarming.
22. Hey, there's the guy with the little dogs again. And his pink purse.
23. No judgments, my roommate says real men wear pink or something like that.
24. Wait a second! That guy that was racing me stopped and is walking now.
25. All of that for nothing.
26. Hey, there's the woman who lapped me yesterday.
27. She went off the beaten path and onto the snow! What a boss!
28. When I did that I looked like Rudolph gaining his ability to walk.
29. Someone was behind a bush filming me, weren't they.
30. Ugh, what if that went viral?!
31. Wait, I'm already embarrassed. I'm pre-embarrassed.
32. -oh look, another song that works with my running gait-
33. That snow pile had ice water at the bottom of it.
34. I can't feel the wetness through all of my layers though.
35. This guy's on the phone, don't look up.
36. He'll think you're eavesdropping.
37. Aw, this little kid was taken out here to play.
38. Poor guy. This isn't exactly a fun hang.
39. You're such a curmudgeon. He MIGHT be having fun.
40. Those snowmen had to get here somehow.
41. That reminds me of yesterday when those kids were sledding.
42. One of them yelled, "Narnia is here!"before he went down the hill or something.
43. I still don't know what that meant.
44. And also, WHERE?
45. I need to know more.
46. I want to stop running now.
47. Just keep stepping.
48. That guy just said hi to me, his girlfriend was laughing.
49. They're making fun of me or something.
50. Whatever, I said hi, at least they'll know I'm a nice weird person.
51. Okay, just lap this part a few more times, then get yourself home.
52. I'm just gonna go ahead and jump over that, I'm not sure what that is.
53. That squirrel is incredibly close to that man.
54. I don't trust squirrels, they're a little too comfortable.
55. WHY DOESN'T THAT MAN CARE?
56. These are the end times.
57. I think it's time to go home now.
58. What time is it, anyway?
59. Sprint this last home stretch. Do it for Jillian Michaels!
60. Yes! Done!
61. Ugh, not a perfectly even number on the stopwatch. Don't worry about it.
62. Walk it off, Champ. Walk it off. Time for some cool down.
63. Eh, forget it, just turn around.
64. That was awesome. Thank you, Lord!
65. I definitely beat that guy.

Restless Heart, Steady Hands

On these kinds of days I feel it more than the others.

You're cooped up indoors, limited to what you are able to do in the way of physical activity. If you were already kind of living in this frustrated headspace to begin with, it is only further fueled by a lack of visual stimulation, a lack of a change of scenery, minimal human interaction. And if you weren't before, you're surely feeling the onset of it now.

The churning spirit within you is fairly insatiable, like an unquenchable thirst for something you haven't yet obtained.

And it's a dichotomy of sorts, because a large part of you just wants nothing more than to be tranquilized and at peace, and yet somehow, you also feel this uncontrollable compulsion, this need to want to explode with the potential energy you have built up within you. It's those times when you just aren't fully content with the way things are -- though not necessarily in a negative or depressing way. You are just ever-painfully and achingly aware of the youth yet still in you, whatever your age, and you see in your mind's eye so clearly the hope of the future to come. You want to go out and do, love, serve. You want to experience the world He has laid out before you - there is so much yet to see.

How else can it be described but a productive restlessness, a hunger? Or as my dad likes to call it, an inspirational dissatisfaction?

I think as a person of faith, God gives us these times intentionally, a cry and a call to come, to trust in Him deeper. To cultivate further this cavernous feeling, this liminal space right now, in order to one day soon know the difference between what is empty and what is full. To give us the opportunity, and some might even say privilege, to show Him that no, we don't know, and we place what we don't know in Your hands. To say, Lord, I am excited/burdened/determined/anxious. I give it to you.

 I think beneath the surface of this restlessness lies the latent fear that something or someone will prevent us from fully experiencing whatever it is we are pursuing.

But it is a needless fear when God has promised so much to us and cares for us so fully. When He has promised to never leave us nor forsake us, to give us abundant life and streams of living water in Jesus, our Savior.

Jesus said that he who comes to Him will never thirst.

If it is a holy desire, God has placed it inside of us for a reason. Just think about that. What you are feeling, what you are desiring, He has placed there personally. And we know that because of this remarkable thing, He is faithful and will see it through.

Is it a job? An expectation? A solution? A positive burden that you have on your heart to explore?

Whatever it is, it is something good, and you want, quite naturally, to experience that good thing and to explore the abundance it will offer you. This is normal.

But what seems like a righteous pursuit can quickly turn sour if we don't measure it carefully.

God has placed hope in our hearts as a precursor to what lies ahead of us. But what we DO with that beautiful gift and exciting hope remains on us. We have the option - to spin our wheels endlessly, without vision from God, without an idea. To finally be so fed up that we take matters into our own hands and solve our own problem in a rush of disobedience and self-will. That's certainly a choice. But something tells me that to do so won't end in the best way possible for us. I've experienced firsthand that it doesn't. Things will never work out for the best when we tell God that we know better than He does. It's strewn all throughout the Bible.

So what other choice do we have?

Well, the hard one. The prayer one. The still one. Asking God to handle our feelings, to manage them, to give them over to His care and kindness. To transform those feelings into positive momentum and a specific direction for our feet to channel those energies at just the right and appointed time. To use them for good and holy acts of service, not for our own gain, and certainly never for the harm of others.

To give us a spirit of patience and calm in the meantime. A courage to act upon whatever our orders may be when we do receive them, and a blessed assurance that whatever they are will be for our good and for the good of others -- and mainly and ultimately, for His glory.

Be at peace knowing that your times are in His steady hands, and that He is more than able to handle them. And not just handle them like an aloof and ruthless boss. But to lovingly deal with them, to reveal things to you when He knows you are ready for them. The hairs on your head are numbered - please don't forget your worth in His eyes. Now would be the wrong time to do so. Dwell in the knowledge of His favor and love toward you -- it is one of the great privileges you have as a child of God.

Just something from my heart to yours to think about today.

--

^"2 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, ³ knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. ⁴ But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." (James 1:2-4, emphasis mine)

^"11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. ¹² Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart." (Jeremiah 29:11-13)

"⁶ Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; ⁷ and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)

^"13 for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure." (Philippians 2:13)

Eyes To See And Ears To Hear

My brother told me a story the other day about how he was chased by a dog while he was out running.

We've all been there I think. If you're me, when this happens you pretend it doesn't faze you because you saw it on Animal Planet or something. You know, the whole "think tough, it sends out the you're-not-afraid-of-them" vibe. Right? I danno.

As I'm writing this I now see how little I know about dogs. They're not bears, Joey. DO they smell fear, or did I dream that?  Anyway, moving right along.

So Michael was telling me how this fairly vicious-looking mut was chasing him and chasing him, even making every effort to bite him, and then out of the blue and for seemingly no reason at all, abruptly stopped and left him alone.

Now, given that I am sometimes dramatic, I almost immediately exclaimed,

 “MIKE! THIS IS KIND OF BIBLICAL!!!”

Cue the crickets. I am pretty (re: definitely) sure he thought I was insane in that moment. But my brother thinking I'm dramatic has never really stopped me before. I was inspired and the wheels were turning in my brain, though I wasn't exactly sure why in that moment. So that was all I really had to say about it until I figured it out.

(Other than “I’m so glad you’re okay!”, of course, but ...he's all muscular and fast and whatnot, so I knew he was fine. Related, he's also single and ready to mingle, ladies.)

Later that night, I was reading in the Psalms. I knew that if I wanted to catch myself up in order to stay on track for the schedule I had made myself, I'd have to read two that night. As I was on the second psalm, I came across this passage:

²⁰ Deliver Me from the sword,

My precious life from the power of the dog.

²¹ Save Me from the lion’s mouth

And from the horns of the wild oxen!

You have answered Me.

²² I will declare Your name to My brethren;

In the midst of the assembly I will praise You.

(Psalm 22:20-22, emphasis mine)

It almost made me audibly laugh.

It was a reminder, always needed, that God is there, and His timing is perfect. Sometimes it takes the silly or unexpected things in life to do that, doesn't it?

Thank you God, for showing us Your presence in matters both big and small. That you care for us enough to show us that if you are there in the little quirky things, that you are also surely going to be there for the big, life-altering things. For reminding me of this through something that would grab my attention, like a random dog chase story.

And thank You for allowing me to be a little behind on my Psalms AND for giving me the nerdy spirit to catch up so I would be able to fully appreciate this keen eye for the minutiae that You have in the lives of your children.

After I saw the verse in Psalm 22, I immediately texted it to my brother with a statement about the coolness of God and subsequently passed out and went to bed.

It’s exhausting having my brain sometimes.

Since then, all of this has had me thinking about the vast and incredible ways in which God shows us He’s there with us each day. 

I think as a whole, we are a people obsessed with the questions we have that remain unanswered. The tough and incredibly challenging questions of Where is God when it hurts? Why do bad things happen to good people? Where was God when I needed Him most?

The truth is, sometimes there are in fact answers for those questions. And sometimes we won’t experience the satisfaction of those answers this side of eternity.

But something I don’t think we focus on enough is the times we DO see, feel, and touch the very presence of His Divinity in our lives.

For me, I could relay endless instances where I’ve seen God’s hand in my life. How He has spared me from making bad decisions, how my “unanswered prayers” really had answers after all. Lately more than anything else, He is revealing himself to me in His word and my quiet studies with Him. I can't even begin to describe how much what I've been reading and experiencing has intersected and correlated and connected in some way in my life, sometimes even down to the repetition of key words and phrases and numbers coming at me from tons of different and unexpected sources. And I know that it is Him who is speaking, not a happy coincidence. In fact, I don't even think I believe in coincidences when we have the massive and all-knowing God that we do.

One of my biggest prayers for 2015 was that I could hear God speak to me in a way that I truly understood. Why was it one of my biggest prayers? Because it has also been one of my biggest frustrations. For a very long time I have felt a disconnect and a confusion. I wanted so badly to hear God speak, and I was desperately feeling like I was at such a loss. But uglier than that - I felt like I was failing as a Christian because I couldn't seem to hear His voice.

8 Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. (James 4:8)

The thing about God that we sometimes don't seem to get is, He is a God who desires to pull back the curtain and show us what He has for us. We won't always be privy to all of His plans, but we do know that he doesn't want to have a relationship with His children that is just one-sided. He wants to let us in, He wants to have us come closer. He wants us to have peace in our decisions, and a lamp for our feet and a light to our path (Psalm 119:105).

What about you? Have you experienced God’s own hand in your life? If you're doubtful you have, consider the times you were spared from a heartbreak or a major problem. Consider the time a life-giving word was uttered to you just as you needed it, or a strategic hand placed on your back at just the right time. An invitation when your heart felt alone.

God speaks to us in so many ways. It can be through a person, it can be through prayer. It is often through His Word. It can even be an experience, or an opportunity. 

But we have to be looking, and attentive. We must make ready our hearts and minds to receive whatever life-giving thing He would like to share with us. And He is so kind that He will help give us these things if we only ask Him to. Take it from me.

So if you're frustrated today, ask the Lord to speak to you in the very many circumstances of your life. Then simply be still in patient and hopeful expectation for all that He is about to do. 

You have no idea the glory that awaits you.

(Source)

¹⁶ But blessed are your eyes for they see, and your ears for they hear 

(Matthew 13:16)

--

27 My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me (John 10:27)

3 ‘Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know.’ (Jeremiah 33:3)

21 Your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying,

“This is the way, walk in it,” Whenever you turn to the right hand Or whenever you turn to the left. (Isaiah 30:21)

15 No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I heard from My Father I have made known to you. (John 15:15, emphasis mine)

Building Bridges

For all of my friends who don't follow Jesus and are reading this, hey!

And if you do, also hey.

I wanted to get your attention. Because seeing as this has thus far been a predominantly faith-based blog, I am thinking that when new posts pop up on your Facebook from me, you may feel disconnected or as if you're about to go down a seemingly endless rabbit hole of TL;DR. Especially when this chick doesn't even always add pictures. Who does she think she is?

And I want you to know that I understand.

But if you are reading this, something brought you to click here this morning/afternoon/evening.

And basically,

I have now cast you under my Christian spell and will force you to see things with a Christian worldview.

Jokes, that's not how it works.

BUT that's actually my point. Today, I am writing about Christian misconceptions.

I've kind of written about this before when I discussed "Christianese" here. ( From 2011! Go team!)

In general, one of the biggest tensions we have as humans moving about in this world and interacting is centered around our ability and inability to connect. One thing is for sure, we all desire to. Look at the host of ways in which we share. I am writing this blog post, for instance. Guaranteed you know at least five other people with blogs. If not a blog, we have Instagram, the sharing of our daily lives in photos. We have Twitter, our little soundbites of thoughts. Facebook - our highlight reels of our lives. And there are tons more. It can be funny to stop and think about how each of these mediums for sharing are different, but their core is the same. And their popularity is based on the core of connectivity that they share. This obviously extends to real life - if you're an actor, all you need to do is sit in an audition waiting room to hear the endless chatter of individuals who are bursting at the seams to sometimes over share. (Really, I know a lot more about people from those auditions than I even asked for.) I even know of a church that had an affectionate abbreviation to represent how so-and-so didn't leave service to go home yet because they were still talking. The desire for unity and connectivity is without a doubt a God-placed, inherent thing in our nature.

Yet, the tension arises when there are billions of obstacles and barriers getting in the way of our forming these bonds. Not going to cue the technology rant, but that is certainly one. And there are hundreds more. Racism, classism, ageism. Hit me with your best -ism, it probably fits.

I've said this before, and we all know this stuff already. I feel like I wrote twelve essays on this at NYU, so I won't bore you or myself. We could go on and on about how our connectivity and lack thereof hinders or helps us in one way or another.

Some of our chatter is incredibly important though. For me, one thing as a Christian that actually disturbs and grates my soul is when Christianity specifically is represented in a light that is simply not true as a result of wrong information or miscommunication and misrepresentation. I see it more and more the longer I am alive, and quite honestly, it breaks my heart.

Following Christ is a call to above-and-beyond love, a call to selflessness. A call to service. It is a group of broken individuals, flawed individuals -- not perfect individuals, nor individuals trying to be perfect, NOR individuals trying to make YOU perfect. We are simply a bunch of people in need of a Savior, and realizing it, and living in light of that radiant truth and hope that Jesus gives us in providing us that very thing.

(Now I am in NO means trying to trivialize Christianity or downplay it at ALL. It is truly ground-breaking, life-changing, mind-blowing, and radical Good News. But in order to best communicate, that is the simplest way I know how to break it down.)

And if you are meeting people who are calling themselves Christians that are not walking in the humility of all of this, I may need to make the assertion that you may not actually be speaking to a Christian.

Christianity is not what is so often in the headlines, depicting a group of hate-spewing individuals, picketing and screaming and obstinate. That is not Christianity, and that is certainly not Christ.

I am in an industry where a lot of people don't understand Christianity. Upon hearing that I am a Christian, people have actually told me that they just assumed I was crazy.

And I mean, I might be. You should see me when I'm hangry. But I'm not crazy because of my Christianity. On the contrary, that is the most sane decision I have ever made.

To keep it real - do Christians WANT you to believe in Jesus as Lord? Of course we do. How much time do you have for me to explain why? Christ has saved my life, and given me the ability to see clearly. He has given me the comfort of knowing I am in His care, even despite my insecurities and fears, both rational and irrational. He has adopted me into His family when the world is wrought with rejection and hostility, and my place is secure there, eternally. He blesses me with every spiritual blessing (Ephesians 1:3). He is my hope in this life and the next. He gives me peace to know truth, and a rock to stand firm on. The abundant life I have as a follower of Christ is sheer joy, "AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!" (That is a direct quote from philosopher Buddy the Elf, circa 2003 AD.)

But to get back on track.

Christians do not have the agenda of going out and changing you. That is not their job. Christians know and understand that the Holy Spirit is the only one who can change your heart and open your spiritual eyes and provide that understanding (see Titus 3:5). To guide you into all truth, as Jesus promised and as I mentioned in my last post. Our job is to love, to extend, to serve. Are we perfect at this? Oh gosh, no. And I think that's where the misconceptions begin and where our barriers toward connectivity fail us. Christians are real people who fall short constantly just like anyone else. We are constantly dependent on Jesus to help us get through and to navigate and to rise above our bodily and spiritual failings. We drink in the grace of Jesus like we do the very air we breathe.

If that doesn't make sense to you, what I mean is this: We recognize that we are unable to go this life journey alone. And we know that Jesus is the Lord of second and third and twelfth and five billionth chances. And we all need those chances -- all day long, 24/7, 365 days of the year. We accept His help and His endless goodness and righteousness and friendship and guidance and pardon, and we know that we need it to survive.

That's the real Christianity. I'm trying my best each day to look more like it, and I am truly sorry if you've experienced others (or even myself) who haven't treated you in the way that Christ would treat you and love you. That should never, ever be. But we are not Christ. Only Jesus Christ is Jesus Christ. The best I and others can ever hope to do is give you a taste of the goodness of walking with Him through the example of the abundance of joy and grace and mercy in our lives, and as such, to point you in His direction.

I encourage you not to base your assumptions of Christianity on the every move of Christian people alone, just like I'd encourage you not to make hasty generalizations of anyone else for whatever the reason may be. While I can't make declarations for others, I will speak for myself when I say that though forever imperfect until the day of Christ's return, I will do my very best to paint a more accurate picture for you of the Christian faith. To help build a bridge, to help break the barriers, to help foster love over hate.

Not in my own strength or power, but

Soli Deo Gloria.


(Which means "Glory to God Alone." You didn't think I'd write a whole post about misunderstandings and not explain that, now did you?)

--

²² But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. (Galatians 5:22-23)

Beauty Marks

Ever since God impressed on my heart to get back to this blog and then confirmed it in a dreamlike state for me last night (yeah, I can't believe that still happens either...but no seven cows or heads of corn or anything like that), I have been filled to the brim with joy and excitement for whatever He is at work doing. I am learning so much about trusting in Him and His timing, and what obedience to Him looks like. But more on that another time.

This evening, let's get right to the raw stuff. Because life is too short, YOLO, and all of that.

So my whole life, one of the hardest concepts for me to grasp about God has been His personal love for us individually. I use the pronoun us, but I really mean me.

And the reason I say me is because it comes naturally for me to look at others and see their beauty and where God has blessed them. I see people worthy of love. I see beautiful faces, distinguishing gifts, and spine-chilling talents that are difficult to describe but are unmistakably a direct send from heaven. I marvel at His creation and the people that He has placed all around me. But as is so often the unfortunate case, when we think of ourselves, we see a different picture. We don't see the indelible mark of our Creator on our own person.

Maybe it's because society tells us to see our specialness is to be egotistical. Maybe it's because no one ever told us we were special. Maybe we had something happen to us that spoke the lie to our heart that we weren't worthy and meant to be loved, even if we never heard the words. Maybe we've experienced another traumatic life event that has blinded us to the glory of God in a personal way.

For years I struggled with who God made me to be. At times I still do. I fought against what are simply facts about myself and how I was made, and instead of praising Him for making me different and for the various unique marks he gave me that made me special, I lamented over what I deemed to be ugly or unattractive; things I was convinced wouldn't delight others, and would surely only result in my own rejection and failure as a woman.

So I tried to fight my perceived flaws. Through methods both drastic and seemingly miniscule, I tried to work against my natural canvas of the Lord. I developed complexes. Receiving what should have been a meaningless comment from someone that was unintentionally laced with a "trigger" or "buzz" word had the power to not only ruin my day, but send my thoughts down a negative spiral indefinitely. So I tried whatever methods were in my control to stifle or change myself. Always to my own detriment. Always punishing myself either in negative self talk or action (or both) for being who God made me to be.

As I look back now, I am mortified by not only how disrespectful this was to the Lord, but also how selfish.

Not just for the obvious reason that when we fixate on our flaws we are focusing way too much on ourselves. But also because this self hatred and obsession trickles over to those we love. When we suffer, when we think we don't measure up, it is amazing the Domino effect of sin that can spring up as a result.

Bitterness for being who we are.
Jealousy for others who don't have our "problem".
Having an unkind spirit toward others, often lashing out in fear at the ones we love and cherish most.

It goes on.

But God has a way of guiding us into all truth by the power of the Holy Spirit (John 16:13). And while in the thick of my problems I couldn't tell you how the power of evil was going to be broken in my life, I can now see that God allowed specific circumstances, instances, conversations, and people into my life (some certainly painful) to gently and lovingly guide me toward a truth that I wish I had somehow magically grasped all along:

I was made specifically and intentionally, and I was made for Him.

If you had asked me back then if I knew that truth to be well, true, I would have emphatically answered yes, of course I did. But just because we know the truth doesn't mean we live the truth. Walking the walk only comes with maturity, life experience, and the strength and encouragement of our Heavenly Father as He guides us along and gives us that desire. 

If you are getting bogged down by the world and its criticisms tonight, or if you are the one constantly berating yourself - I can't sit here and tell you exactly how to get out of the hole you are in. But what I can tell you is that the lies you are telling yourself and all the striving you are doing to be something you are not is not God's will for your life. And I can direct you to what God's own word has to say about the specialness of you.

¹³ For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.

¹⁷ How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
¹⁸ If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You.

(Psalm 139:13-18, emphasis mine)

You can choose to lay down your burdens at the foot of the cross of Jesus. You don't need to be at war with yourself any longer. Jesus invites you to rest.
 And with a parting thought I would like to add another important and crucial thing here: your special is not others' special. It is a constant and cyclical thing to dress in certain ways, like certain things and brands, believe certain ideas, and laugh at the same kind of trending articles and videos on the internet. The pressure to fit the mold and standard of "cool" might even vary depending on where you live. Quite honestly, this game we play has made me feel inadequate more times than I'd even like to admit. 

Can I urge you not to consider those things?

If you're a constantly battling skeptic like me, you're reading this (if you got this far) and saying "Yeah yeah...it's the inside that counts, we all know. We've heard it all before." And I agree. We have. That phrase is so trite and so oft-repeated that it has lost nearly all of its meaning on us. 

I am taking the concept a step further. I am not merely suggesting that God's particular mark on you is just for fun and giggles to make you a special little flower (though you are a special little flower). I am suggesting that you are special for specific reasons. Maybe your nose is the way it is because your future spouse is going to love that the most about you and find it endearing. You have long and gangly legs because you are going to glorify God through basketball. Your high-pitched voice makes up for your lack of sense of direction and makes you distinguishable in a crowd when you're calling out to your friends at a sporting event. God is so far-reaching, and so beyond able to do "exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think" (Ephesians 3:20). I don't know what your specific "thing" or hang up is. But God knows why He gave you whatever it is you are cursing. And the great thing is, the story isn't over. You may not know every answer right now. At this very moment, God might be preparing you to reach millions of people because of your beautiful mark. OFTEN we don't know what God is up to, and that's okay. He'll show you in His timing if you commit your life to walking with Him.

And when you do? Prepare for the best and most fulfilling adventure. Though we may not know what specifically He has in store, we CAN trust in the Creator's masterful hand and the depth of His knowledge, wisdom, and plan for us. And I think that's exciting.

I pray that God gives you a tender and open heart to hear His truth and to receive His specific love for you today. That He gives you eyes to see that how He made you was intentional. That you feel confident enough to hold your head up high as the child of God that you are, and to embrace all that He is about to do in your life - using all of the broken and beautiful parts of you, not just in spite of them.

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⁷ But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us. (2 Corinthians 4:7)

⁹ And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)