An Insight Unplanned

I’m kind of fixated on this idea of numbness and how we aren’t to succumb to it. I’ve found I kind of touch on it here and there when I write, ironically never going too deep or unpacking it too fully as a way to side step further pains and hurts that might well up within me. Go figure, right? Perpetuating the cycle of avoidance.

It is just so pervasive in the lives of each one of us - the autopilot doing and saying of things with nary a thought for their consequence, of what we’re doing. Of why. We go through our days avoiding our hurts and avoiding our healing. Because it’s easier that way. Because we’re scared of them. Because maybe, maybe, revisiting some real things will make us hurt worse.

But I had a phone call recently that kind of tore me up. It snapped me out of my preoccupations (and how small we suddenly realize they truly are when these things happen to us). But it also warmed me, for the mere fact that it cut right to my heart and awakened my senses and awareness of God’s truth and love in a way that was so right, albeit incredibly painful. It’s sick and wonderful and terrible all at the same time, life is.

But it’s really healing to courageously enter into hearing and feeling the truth about things. Hearing God’s truth about things.

Taking time to assess where He’s been with us all along. Where we left Him outside in the cold, when the moment was where we allowed Him to enter in and dine with us. What those times looked like. How our choices led to consequences we may still be facing, consequences loved ones may be facing -- and how to pick up those pieces now. How to walk forward with Jesus, even if you’re.. well, sad.

I’ve always been sort of silently proud of myself for being a really aware person. Its hindered my well-being at times, because I think about everything. I often take something and sprint a thousand steps ahead - always trying to prepare myself, always trying to think things through, to be ready.

It’s self-preservation. It’s so people don’t hurt me. It’s so I don’t hurt other people. 

After all, If you think of everything first - if you think of your answers, your side of things first- you’re always prepared. You’re always right. You don’t make a fool of yourself.

Take that, world. Right? No. Not right.

Because I have news for you, for myself - that’s not when life happens. And it’s not right to do. I don’t think once has God ever allowed things to pan out in exactly the way I tried to imagine they would. Not out of spite, or to shame me. But simply because His ways are better, His ways are higher - and mine are flawed, mine are sinful. My ways are not meant to be the right ways.There will always be, fundamentally, at its core, a problem in whatever I conjure up in my own strength.

And to try to doesn’t teach us to trust Him.

So this conversation I had took me out of a numbness I didn’t fully know that I was living in to begin with. I didn’t prepare for it, I couldn’t. It humbled me in my pride. Because I’m not aware, not really. It’s a lie to think that I am. I think discernment, however, is real and an art, a gift from the Lord - but that’s what it is. Awareness is Him helping me, it isn’t me.

And so sometimes, He causes circumstances to take us out of ourselves.

In my case, no conclusion was drawn. No solutions uncovered. 

But I was gently reminded of my wounds that I ignore as I let them scab over as I go for a run, go to work. I was reminded of the love I had for this dear individual that runs so deeply. I was reminded of the fallen world we’re in, and how it has hurt that person, how it has hurt me.

But you know something important? It also taught me the Gospel in a new way. It made me sit amazed at the glory of how unaware I’ve been that God has held us even when we didn’t even care to look to see Him there.

It made everything within me scream for answers, scream for peace.

Scream and reach out desperately for Good News.

And I delighted through tears to discover that it is already here. More than just that - it is dwelling inside of me, it takes residence within me, it walks each step with me, because of Jesus.

And somehow, some way, it encouraged me to be still in all that I don’t know and to remember what it is that I do.

That I need to trust Him. That I need to obey Him. That I need to walk with Him. Even in situations that don’t seem even faintly related to my “big problems”. Because that’s the point. He is faithful to us in those things so we are faithful to Him in all things. Suddenly, it’s all connected.

So I am grateful for what I don’t plan now, because our good, kind, and gracious Lord holds all of our moments, all of our phone calls -- and erases all of our sins in Christ.  He won’t let us stay there, in our grime, in our depths. And He works those brushed aside and pushed away details of our lives out for our good.

And when we begin to walk in the light, as much as we want to, we simply cannot take these moments of clarity we experience - our moments of “awakening” - and forcefully bottle them up to keep ourselves in this good place, to hold us in this discerning and seeing place forever. Our moments of glory won’t stay with us as we command them like a household pet to “stay”.

“Stay, please. So I don’t forget you. You are so important to remember.”

We can’t deify our moments. We were not intended to.

Because our thirst for clarity and hunger for wisdom and burning for insight into our matters and our sunshine-soaked moments has really just been our hunger and thirst and burning for Christ all along. And we may not be able to force these moments to stay, but we can walk with Him and abide in Him, the Source of our moments. The giver of truth and Truth Himself.

We can walk in the light as He is in the light. That we can do.

So do yourself a favor and welcome the phone calls. Not because they won’t be painful. But because they will be.

And because above all else no matter what happens, Christ is there.

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²⁴ So for the second time they called the man who had been blind and said to him, “Give glory to God. We know that this man is a sinner.” ²⁵ He answered, “Whether he is a sinner I do not know. One thing I do know, that though I was blind, now I see.”

 (John 9:24-25, emphasis mine)

Take A Few Minutes

And watch this video. The quality isn't great, but it doesn't even matter. It is truly one of the best (and shall I say beneficially creepiest?) things I've seen in a long time. It will stay with you.

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^"10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. ¹¹ Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. ¹² For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. ¹³ Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm."  (Ephesians 6:10-13)

Feelin' Kinda Mental

When I write, oftentimes I set out not yet knowing the "answer" or conclusion for whatever it is I am writing about. I was listening to a podcast a couple of weeks ago where the author was saying that there are two kinds of writers - those who discover with the reader, and those who are more or less just informing the reader. I thought that was interesting. One writing style invites others in much more than the other. One encourages more of the,"Oh yeah! Me too! How neat!" moments, and the other potentially leads to easier disengagement. One isn't better than the other, necessarily, but it is interesting to consider nonetheless.

Gosh, that was all very nerdy and non-essential.

I am no authority on anything I write about whatsoever, of course. I think that goes without saying. So it's fairly obvious that I have no place informing anyone and it is therefore also obvious that I would be more of the first kind of writer. I just write from my observations and experiences and inspiration from God, and hope that maybe someone out there cares to join me on the journey. (Though let's face it, the word journey makes me cringe and cry a little because I sound like a New Agey spiritual advisor. Yet I soldier on.)

Anywho.

In that regard, my latest little "journey" into the unknown has been something I have been thinking a lot about lately, and that is the connection and difference between head-knowledge and heart-knowledge Christianity.

I have recently met a lot of people who came from a particular megachurch and have made the transition over to my new church, which is much smaller and intimate in nature and not megachurchy in the slightest. And each person I have talked to (none of which knew each other prior) more or less told me the same thing.

"I felt so disconnected there. Here, everyone is just so...friendly. I actually feel important."

Aaah!

That comment made me so sad-happy. I get kind of angry and riled up about the popular youth-centric churches of today, if I'm being honest. Not because of their popularity of course, but because of what they're actually saying from behind the pulpit. Who their leaders are. What topics they avoid. What their goals are. It's just one of those things that is an extra burden on my heart -- when truth is compromised for volume. When lights and concert vibe take the stead of solid, Biblical teaching, and tons and tons of lives are misled and arguably completely messed up as a result.

When I was in college and lived in this particular dorm one year, I used to look out of my bedroom window and see said megachurch's line wrapped around the corner from across the street. I had no idea what the line was for at first; I thought it was for some concert or something. Turns out it was the evening service for this church. Something irked me right then and there. If I checked it out, would I even get in? Don't those people feel alone being one of so many? Why is this being treated like a spectacle or a social event? Needless to say I researched the church and watched a sermon from the head pastor online, and have periodically checked in with their doctrine and viewpoints since then (kind of hoping they changed their minds or that I was wrong the first time), listening to interviews and reading articles about what they believe and why they do the things they do. Quite truthfully, it has been nothing short of disappointing. They boldly and even boastfully compromise God's word or make up their own rules. This confuses so many souls - especially more impressionable, young ones and new believers - and leads so many astray in the name of Christianity.

Thankfully, I am seeing God deliver some of those people out of that church and into the doors of my own, a much different sort of church. Same demographic, perhaps, but completely different in approach to the Christian faith and teaching.

(I am not saying that my church is the only sound, Bible-based church and superior to all others, of course. I also pray that those who aren't coming to mine in particular are leaving to attend other awesome and sound churches in the area as well.)

One of the things about that megachurch in particular is this kind of bizarre sensationalism that frankly, creeps me out. Everything seems like a "mountaintop experience"only -- a thrill-seeking, me-centered indulgence. Oh The Spirit is moving, friends, and you better believe it or at least raise your hands and pretend.

How isolating is that? What if you aren't feeling on fire that night? Will you not belong? Are you any less important, or any less saved?

Of course not. But it would be easy to feel that way.

I can best describe the overall pulse of that church as being predominantly heart-led Christians. Christians who are navigating more or less exclusively by their feelings and not by truth. It just so happens that those feelings are generally happy, bouncy, shouty, and I'm sure if I tried I could think of four more words that end in y that would complete this group of very unrealistic seven dwarves.

But then there's also the overly-intellectual Christians. They could tell you all sorts of theology and doctrinal theories and quote Scripture to you beautifully, but they don't exhibit the love of Christ in their actions. Kind of Pharisaic.

Honestly, I fear both.

I think to one degree or another, we all find ourselves occasionally not smack dab in the middle of these two extremes which is most preferable. Some days, we lean more towards going through the motions and worshipping because we know we always should. Other days, we find ourselves the hypocrite, talking and advising others about love without noticing the log in our own eye.

For me, in unbalanced times I'd say I probably lean more towards having a somewhat-decent amount of head knowledge and struggling to love and do kind and good things. Struggling to respond the right way, to be quiet when I need to (oh man...THAT), to be merciful toward others and show them grace even if we think they don't deserve it.

And then be like, "We love because He first loved us!!!!"

Kidding. I hope.

Just uh, y'know, let me know. Tell me the truth in love privately..

While I really pray I'm not that annoying about it when I'm not in a good way, I do know that it can be hard to sync what we profess to believe and our actions. James said that "faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead" (James 2:17).

Look at the passage in full:

¹⁴ What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him? ¹⁵ If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food,¹⁶ and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that? ¹⁷ So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.

¹⁸ But someone will say, “You have faith and I have works.” Show me your faith apart from your works, and I will show you my faith by my works.

Well dang. Leave it to James to conviction-hit us right between the eyes.

So basically, I've been brainstorming ways to counteract this head-Christianity. Because when I do feel that way, I hate it. I prayed about writing this post, because like I said, I did not go to Moody Bible Institute. I have a degree in Drama.

But there's also a lot of talk of foolish things being used for God's glory so, hey, here I am.

Anyway, here is what I have found may be helpful to guard against, well - a hard heart? A faith blip? A spiritual severance, if you will :

1. Community.

I know a few people who really love to serve others. It comes naturally for them. They have the impulse and follow through, instead of simply just having the impulse. It is so good to surround ourselves with people like this, because it gets us out of our heads and finally walking the walk of Christ. When we have friends and those around us with a heart for other people, we see their steps of faith and maybe even imitate them at first until it becomes routine for us, too. Soon enough, we find ourselves with the heart of a servant. Also, if we are involved in a church community that values outreach and serving others and volunteer work, chances are their priorities are in check and we will have a good model of others-centered living there as well. Beginning to serve others in any capacity, even what may seem as small as taking care of a sick loved one, helps our heart expand and bleed over into all other areas of our lives.

^{Jesus said: "14} If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet. ¹⁵ For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you. ¹⁶ Truly, truly, I say to you, a servant is not greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. ¹⁷ If you know these things, blessed are you if you do them." (John 13:14-17)


2. Prayer, duh.

Pray and ask God to give you a heart that understands the Gospel at your very core. Pray to BE the new creation we are told that we become in Christ Jesus when we follow Him. Pray to know what that looks like, and to actually feel that difference in ourselves. Full disclosure, I prayed this recently. So often I feel I come up short being that new person 2 Corinthians 5:17 declares that we are. We revert to old behaviors, we don't always walk in the light. But that's where grace comes in. Because we are Christ's,  the Holy Spirit is constantly molding and shaping us into the people we were created to be as sons and daughters of the living God. When we mess up, though we try not to, we can rest assured that His grace is sufficient for us, and that His power is made perfect in our weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9) These words and promises of Scripture are so beautiful to hear and peace-giving to the heart, yes -- but praying that God would allow us to physically understand and live them is on a whole other level of spiritual maturation. Let's pray this, and simultaneously please the Lord as we do so, too.

We can pray as David did:

"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
    be acceptable in your sight,
    O Lord, my rock and my redeemer." (Psalm 19:14)

3. Scripture.

Doesn't it feel like every Christian list is basically the same as what I'm doing? Community. Prayer. Scripture. Next I'm probably going to say worship, right? Seriously, I sat here and thought about what I wanted for this list without intentionally doing the same old thing, and I looked at it and laughed at my unoriginality. But there's something to that. God creates such beautiful examples and patterns for us to follow, and those examples (and the points in this list) all come from His Word. His Word is where we are taught how to pray, and where we are told we are new creations in Christ to begin with. It is where we receive our "divine revelation", as my pastor says. The things we cannot know from natural revelation. It is where we read the lives of the saints over the span of many years and see where they fell away, slipped up, or maintained their focus on the Lord and what that looked like for them. The saints of the Bible are not different from who we are today. We may not worship a golden calf (please, no no), but we sure worship lots of other things that aren't Christ. We are certainly tempted as they were, too. And we also certainly have the capacity to worship and praise and live for Him as radically as they did. The examples we can study and follow are endless, but we can only acquaint ourselves with and be encouraged by them if we study His Word. Once we do, we can begin to bring these individuals to mind and allow those accounts to change us as we endeavor to physically do more for His kingdom in our own lives.

To be really encouraged, definitely read Hebrews 11 - an overview of the "heroes of faith" who were obedient to the promises God gave them by acting on their faith, not simply appreciating their head knowledge of His words.


4. Worship.

I had to. Not because I'm sassy like that, but because it's true. Worship, in short, takes the focus off of ourselves and onto our Creator. It can stop the most selfish or heady days dead in their tracks. Whether we close our eyes and listen to worship music, sing to him, or even use our own specific and unique gifts consciously and intentionally for His glory, we are serving our King and giving Him ourselves. For me, it is almost impossible to get too heady when I'm worshipping. This is not the megachurch potentially-fake stuff, like I touched on before. That style of worship implies it's the only way to go about it as you simultaneously turn into Super Christian. While the Bible talks about making melody to the Lord and shouting and singing and playing instruments for Him and that is completely wonderful and beautiful, worship is the sort of thing that we all have the capacity to do differently. We are all different people, and all know how we worship "best". (By that I just mean how we most easily feel relaxed and free to connect to the Lord without our insecurities getting in the way.) So keep that music pumping, enjoy quiet stillness, go for a walk in nature, whatever that may be for you. I find that there's no better way to hit reset on your day and get out of your own headspace than when we humble ourselves and say "thank you" to God in worship.

One of my faves:

"The Lord is my strength and my shield;

in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; 

my heart exults, 

and with my song I give thanks to him."

(Psalm 28:7)

5. Nike.

Just do it.

Really though! Okay, perhaps the better word is obedience. Our pastor talked about this in service yesterday, and one of the things he said then and another time before has really stuck with me. He thinks that in our culture especially, there is so much grace-based theology that seems to kind of omit or gently brush aside the need for obedience, too. I.e., the megachurch example, for one. But when we are obedient and not just resting our laurels on grace alone, we do not allow ourselves to take advantage of our Lord's forgiveness as His children. We have freedom to do all things, yes, but our freedom is meant for obedience to Jesus. And part of this obedience involves a little sub-category of:

• Repentance. My pastor also explained to us that to repent literally means to change your mind and way of thinking about a situation. When we repent, we are acknowledging to the Lord that we haven't been faithful to do all that He has called us to do up until this point. That we have been agreeing with our heads and not showing love in our actions. That we try and we mess up and need Him to change our way of thinking, and as a result, change the actions of our bodies, too. And He is faithful. He will do it. But until we draw near to Him in humility and repentance, we won't experience or understand the grace from Him toward us that we first need in order to show that grace and love toward others.

We learned yesterday that obedience brings: 

courage

confidence

integrity

unity

order

the favor of God

I truly cannot think of too many better assets to have in our arsenal as we endeavor to be brave and intentional as we act out our faith. And because of the God we serve, we can know with certainty that He will equip us where we are called and give us the grace that we need to do so each moment of our lives. 

I won't end this with some great commission to go forth and prosper. Jesus did a better job of that than I ever could. But I will thank you for taking "the journey" (egh) with me. And I will sympathize with you for how frustrating it can be to love the Lord so much and feel as though you sometimes have this huge disconnect between your mind and your heart. But Jesus truly knew we would experience this imperfection and so much else when He died for us - and He died anyway. We can take heart knowing our Savior lives and loves us and forgives us, and will bless our commitment and desire to love Him with all of our heart, soul, mind and strength. I will not only sympathize with you, but I will also promise to be a part of that journey with you - not just being a hearer only of the Word, but a doer as well.

²² But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.²³ For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. ²⁴ For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. ²⁵ But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing.

(James 1:22-25)

Source

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^{34 "}A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. ³⁵ By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” (John 13:34-35, the words of Jesus)

³⁰ And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ ³¹ The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”  (Mark 12:30-31, emphasis mine)