Spin Cycle

Sitting here on the carpeted floor in my room in my apartment in Queens, I think of all that I don't know. Some days and in some ways, it seems I have allowed my ship to sail further away from the heart of who I am supposed to be - and in admittedly rarer moments, I understand that I am nearer to shore than the clouds and gusts of wind would have me realize.

For starters, here I am, typing words onto a screen. Typing, writing, it always feels like home to me. My heart, my mind, my fingers, my thoughts -- they are all connected, and probably in the purest form I allow them to be when I consider all the filters and mind games and distractions of illusion and falsehood I allow to corrupt and pollute my purest thoughts turned to words turned to actions. But here, on the carpeted floor in my room in my apartment in Queens, right now, I don’t have to answer anyone, and I don’t really have to think. I don’t have to be politically correct, or defend myself or my choices. I don’t really have to do much more than check my laundry in a half hour, and I don’t even have to write - but I choose to, and because I choose to and don’t have to, I feel myself closer to those sandy beaches.

It makes you wonder if that is what adulthood largely is - choosing things on your own, a series of endless choices, all the while hoping to choose things that are closest to right. When I choose, I aim to please my Maker, the Author of Right, the Planter of my desires and Orchestrator of my circumstances. The One who ordains these casual afternoons of silence where there is normally a steady streaming influx of turmoil and noise most other days in the world and in my heart. In these moments of quiet, living inside of these deluded terms and notions of adulthood we so naively and haphazardly toss about - these are the times I feel most like a wide-eyed child, needing more of Him, needing less of everything else.

Sitting here on the carpeted floor in my room in my apartment in Queens, things aren’t perfect. I wonder when things will be different, when I will hold the ones I love in a way that doesn’t feel like a stranger passing through, when we’ll really scratch beneath the surface, feel that life abundant in this life present, when we will reach that time when we aren’t all scrambling to protect ourselves, terrified of penetrating our worlds and making ourselves feel worse because sometimes, truly, we cannot imagine what worse even feels like, unwilling to take the risks of disturbance. I wonder when I’ll feel satisfied that I’m doing what I can, that I’m living in the freedom of Jesus to the best of my finite ability, when I will fully accept the grace and forgiveness I have been given in Him and act like it.

But sitting here on the carpeted floor in my room in my apartment in Queens, I also know that this displeasure is what leads us to a deeper awareness of where it is we find this fulfillment. This wrestling between flesh and spirit and emotion and faith and dirt and being made brand new is the human experience in its absoluteness. It is what brought the footsteps of Jesus onto the soil of our fragile earth. It is the very grounds and disturbance through which we have been saved.

Sitting here on the carpeted floor in my room in my apartment in Queens, I know that there is a day where we will see the culmination of our wounds lifted high and shattered by the blinding radiance of the return of our Savior. Where we will know with a quiet pleasure and react with just a nod of our head that no aspect of our experience was for naught. The definition of empty will perplex us; the idea of endless toil a knock-knock joke without an answer.

There will come a day where we will retain all that was good here and forget all that was not. Where we will miraculously be the same loved and cherished boys and girls we always were but often failed to see-- children and souls with something worthy to contribute just for being born, having the capacity to both feel eternally blessed and to eternally bless.

Source

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I sought the LORD, and he answered me

and delivered me from all my fears.

Those who look to him are radiant,

and their faces shall never be ashamed.

(Psalm 34:4-5)

Higher Ground

You listen to the music but 

the music makes you feel

Reveals impressions from within

You didn’t know were hidden beneath

the skin.

Our outermost layer seems thicker than it really is, somehow.

We think that it can hide all that resides,

We cover and nurture our covering 

More than we do our own thoughts,

To try our hand at protecting those.

Some will say songs are songs

Just vibrations,

Nouns and verbs

And the things we hear,

They’re just sounds, combined

They’re just words aligned.

But when the right place meets the right space

Our ears give way to steps

Give way to action.

And these words I heard

Mixed with beat and harmony

Gave rise to my spirit’s melody,

to its comedy and tragedy.

I can’t say I’m happy for it,

and I won’t say that I’m not,

But it’s nice to see You here -

Thanks for meeting me,

just in time.

And if You would be so kind 

as to sing Your song to me,

Your dear heart’s whispering

And take my flimsy skin

And plastic case

My unsaid hurts

And just replace

All that is false

And fake I’ve found

And lead these sounds

To higher ground.

Source

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For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8-9)

A Big Picture Life

You know those times where you look back on periods of your life and have a nice summarizing statement for them?

“I looked awesome.”

“I was so happy.”

“That was the worst thing that ever happened to me.”

And on and on. There is something so satisfying about labeling things, even if they are bad things, when we are reflecting. It is effectively saying, hey. I exist, I experienced that, I’m still standing. Bada bing, bada boom. I lived. And because you have lived to tell the tale,there’s a level of detachment you now have, an awareness of lessons learned, things to glean that will help you for the present and future times. Even if the times you are remembering were good times, you now know what made them good, even if you weren’t walking around like you had some sort of Morgan Freeman personal narration going the entire time you were experiencing it.

I have a difficult time thinking of the entire picture when I am in my day-to-day life. My dad called me out on this recently when I suffered a disappointment for a job I really wanted. As soon as I found out, I immediately began applying for a job listing I half-noticed the day prior for a project in Arkansas. I didn't want to go to Arkansas. I didn't feel called to go to Arkansas right now or even to pursue that job, and the opportunity was a long shot. I was clearly upset about the disappointment, convinced that everyone that got the position I wanted was a jerkface and who needs them for getting something I wanted. So I went to something irrational.

How easily I forgot that I have a Father in heaven who is working all things out for my good.

How swiftly I neglected to consider how many friends and family members pray for me, prayed for this job specifically, and how we all prayed for God’s will and best to unfold.

How off base I was not to immediately thank Him for answering those prayers in a clear way, and for not praising Him for the better job that surely lies ahead.

My hope for myself and all of us is that we can learn to maintain the right perspective as things are happening to us, not simply after the fact. It is impossible to do all of the time I am sure - some lessons are meant to be learned later if God desires that timing. But how GOOD would it be to be able to insta-process as much as we are able that which we are experiencing instead of immediately leaping to a hasty and oftentimes poor response? To be able to have that freeing ability to label...

“This right here is a blessing.”

“That wasn’t right.”

“This is simply an answer to my prayers.”

“I am experiencing something bad and need to react honorably to it.”

...like we so often do in hindsight? 

I believe we can have that freedom and awareness if we choose walk in step with the Holy Spirit every minute of the day.

When we are constantly in a place of maintaining that open channel of communication with God, lifting up prayers, talking with Him, reacting to life with Him, listening to Him, and honoring His Spirit that lives inside of us, I think we will find that we are able to live more fully as things are happening. Jesus offers us the blessing of that life abundant.

Because truly, everything that we experience either comes directly from His hand as a good and precious gift or is allowed through His sovereign filter when we are His children. While we may not be experiencing something pleasant, we are told in His word that He works all things for our good and that God gives good gifts to His children. We are told that good Fathers discipline their children. And we also see countless times in the Bible that it is only through the steep gravel valleys that we understand how to handle the purest mountain peaks. So because we know these things as truth, we can always find comfort and assurance and reasons for praise in whatever we are hit with.

We can give thanks and praise because it isn’t really a happy/sad thing at all, and I think it's time to move beyond those basic responses as we cultivate and grow into our maturity. Happiness and sadness in and of themselves are not bad things, but it is important to know what they are -- tools to guide us to realizing the nugget underneath the surface. Happy and sad feelings if chased or focused on alone are so double-sided, so elusive, and so constantly changing within our ever-churning bodies that we will always be left wanting and chasing the wind. It’s not about if the things we face in our lives cause us to feel happiness or sadness, it is the place we transition into after those initial impressions that builds the people we are becoming and the character we establish. We are able to give praise and achieve contentment in all things because of the comfort we have in knowing the truth of God's care and the grace and forgiveness of Jesus. It's a comfort thing. A rest thing. It’s an ease we can have knowing IN the moment and not just after the moment that we are being held in trustworthy and sturdy arms, regardless of what it feels like.

My goal is to not forget this truth more often than I forget it. To walk in the light as He is in the light, so I can fully and deeply appreciate the big picture in a sea of little polaroids.

And for the record, you did look great then. But you should really know that you look even better RIGHT now.

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"If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit." (Galatians 5:25)

"Making your ear attentive to wisdom and inclining your heart to understanding; yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God." (Proverbs 2:2-5)

Acting and Reacting

It’s easy to not care about offending people when you don’t put faces to them.

When you can’t imagine their reactions to your canceling plans with them, when you can’t observe their countenance as they don’t get a response from you and keep checking their phones to make sure you didn’t say something further. We don’t allow our minds to take the full course of how our actions impact the lives of others. How one ill word could lead to an offense or wound that might lead to a series of choices made or behaviors acted on in the lives of other people that could lead to some pretty detrimental things, unfortunate outcomes that may contribute to a bitter worldview for that person.

Conversely, if we don’t recognize our impact negatively, it remains possible that we don’t understand how important it can be to be kind. Smiling at a baby creates impressions in their newly developing brain. I'd imagine that the more positive reinforcement they receive, the better the lasting imprint on them. The better off the human being they grow into.

“God bless you.” If someone sneezes, and you are a stranger next to them on the subway, you made the other person feel important enough to acknowledge. It’s not being sentimental to think so, even if that person doesn’t think anything of your polite words. These things are noticed subconsciously, they are retained.

Texting is bonkers. I, for one, am an expressive type. My texts are generally descriptive, occasionally long. Most people are not like this. Most people say “thanks” and mean it sincerely, whereas I am from the species that receives that response and thinks the person is mad at me and swiftly gets upset for twenty five days.

But just like I wish I was receiving something more personal from that person, they don’t deserve a judgment made by me on their character based on a simple text message. Not everyone has to write in the same way I write, and I can’t get mad at others for not having the same human impulses as me, either. That’s what makes us all different.

And unless you are marrying that person or in a committed friendship or relationship where it might lead to major extended periods of hurt, it isn’t that big of a deal. Even if you are marrying that person or doing life together - after you talk about the problem, chances are a compromise might be made or something, but that doesn’t mean you’ll just get your way and start receiving too many adjectives and exclamation points in the future. You’ll get their best efforts. 

And then if you’re not satisfied after that, you’ll still have to get over it.

So what I am saying or not saying well enough is, the only one with the last word and standard of perfect is God. Love others well, use your perception and insight and consideration that is in your ability, but after that, get over it. Chances are it just isn’t that personal.

And if it is, they’ll let you know in some other way, trust me.

But also, when in doubt, be overly kind. This is what I try to do. Because if someone reacts poorly to that, it’s kind of weird, because that is not something the world needs less of. I’m not saying be insincere. That is not truly kind. But if you have a kind word, share it. If you see someone suffering, offer of yourself, even if it’s “God bless you.” Little things are big things. It’s nothing new, and somewhere we all know this, but it is seldom practiced.

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"Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you." (Ephesians 4:32)

Listen Well

The next time you find yourself wishing someone else would keep their thoughts to themselves
Just remember that
Every
One of us
Needs to talk
And for whatever reason
Their words
No matter how 
Ugly
Irrelevant
Absurd
Brilliant
Or
Harmful
Come from a very deep place.

Better out
Than in
And damaging them,
Leading to violence
Leading to sin. 

They are breadcrumbs
Listen well.

--

Source

Believe and then See. Seeing Alone is Incomplete.

Every day, we invest our faith in things that we may not consciously realize. I am placing faith in this table to hold my laptop upright, I have faith that my brain will tell my fingers to type, I trust in my breath to keep circulating, even when I don’t purposely entertain thoughts and directives for it to do so.

If I were to place an over-emphasis on these otherwise natural things (as I did just now in order to consider examples for this post), things get a little unnatural and not as they intended, even for a fleeting moment. You start to behave in ways that are unnatural as you use your finite mental capacity to explain something that doesn’t need explanation. It’s kind of like repeating a word over and over. If you do so long enough, it starts not making sense, and you start to fixate on something that was perfectly fine and functionally healthy existing on its own.

Then you move from the physical world and into the spiritual. The Bible promises us vast and beautiful promises. Promises that God will never leave us nor forsake us. Promises for our good future, for our hope. Promises that He will make a way where there is yet no way for us to see. A lamp for our footsteps. Life eternal. But unlike our belief in the table, these promises are harder for us to weave into our being, though it is  the very stuff that our souls are craving. Assuming that we believe in a good and loving and faithful Creator, why is it so hard for us to believe what He says?

1. Insecurities

We don’t believe that good things will come to us because we don’t believe we are worthy of receiving good things. We, by nature, are humans programmed to do more, strive harder, accumulate works we or society or culture deems as “good”. Well what happens when we fall short? What happens when countless people have told us or implied we weren’t good enough, when we’ve faced rejection more than acceptance, when we’ve been lied to and reinforce those lies for years as we choose to believe them? We build walls to protect ourselves. We fend off God’s laser-beams of love and truth without meaning to because we’ve encased ourself in walls of our own making. Do we dare believe we too can enter into times of fruitfulness? Experience real love? Be satisfied by the work that we do? All of that requires trust. To trust a promise we can’t hold and feel in the palms of our hands requires believing first, and then seeing what we believe is true.

2. Circumstances

As the title of this post reads, seeing alone is incomplete. Our vision is partial and limited in scope. We do not have the mind of our omniscient Creator. How unmiraculous He would truly be if we did. What we are left to gaze upon are the literal things we see around us. Our current life place, the things we dread, and the day-to-day details and grievances and tragedies we experience are shouting in our faces that there is no God. It is so important, then, that we strengthen our core relationship with Him and truly break down the fundamentals of Who God is as He is described in the Bible - our Redeemer, our Rock, our Deliver, our Provider, our Shepherd, our Father, and so on. In our flesh and in our sadness--even in our joy--we WILL become so wrapped up in what we are experiencing through our physical senses that we will lose sight of the truth of God’s promises. In our anxiety we can’t always fathom a peace that surpasses all understanding. In our exhilaration we don’t always realize our need for continual dependence on our Provider, the giver of blessings. 

For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. (1 Corinthians 13:12)

We must separate our feelings from what is truth and pray that the truth presses deeper into us than our present circumstances ever will. It is then, in our release and submission in full trust to Jesus, that we will be able to find contentment in whatever we are facing. True contentment comes from knowing Who you belong to and knowing what He promises. Through this understanding, we develop a trust in what He will do with our lives as He shows us purpose in our lives and present circumstances. When you wrap your brain and spirit around these truths, your fear of the unknown loses its potency.

3. Illiteracy

To know God’s promises you have to read them, you have to be taught them, you have to ruminate on them, you have to pray and ask for them to be applied to your life. God is so kind in that He makes all of His promises accessible to us if we believe in Jesus, who came to initiate that beautiful relationship of communication in freedom with our Father, the giver of good gifts and every spiritual blessing. Jesus is our peace, and we see that more and more in Scripture as we read about Him. It seems basic to just be told to read the Bible, it may even seem like drudgery, but at some point, if you are serious about getting a grip on your emotional and spiritual life and relationship with God you must come to terms with the fact that the Bible is one of the most important ways to unlock the mysteries of His heart. And when you take that step of obedience, you will discover that Scripture will come alive to you, meeting you right where you are presently at. I cannot even begin to describe how many times I’ve been talking with a downtrodden friend or shooting off a text or was even just walking down the street when a verse popped into my head out of nowhere that I hardly knew I retained. The Holy Spirit will bring to remembrance all of God’s truths to you to equip you for this life that can be so difficult to endure. Jesus is the provider of lasting joy, and to tap into that joy and every other fruit of the Spirit, we need to uncover through His word what that looks like to begin with. In time, we will see that what is written in Scripture is ours as well.

4. Sin

We cannot understand the promises of God when we are a divided house within ourselves. Jesus says that a house divided against itself cannot stand, and well, Jesus is clearly right. When we willingly choose sin over and over again when we know that isn't God's heart or will for us, chances are we are not zeroed in on living our lives completely submitted to God. To follow Christ does not mean a sinless life, but it does mean a life of continual repentance and walking in step with the Holy Spirit, ever vigilant and discerning, so that we always try to do what God wants and what best serves Him and others in love. So, when we secretly love what we deem a "pet" sin in our lives that doesn’t seem to be wrecking us or others all that much, we are still a divided house. When we flirt with a big sin we are just being more obvious about it. Whether acting out pet sins or large sins, we have still decided in that moment that our lives are most important. We have made our desires our own god, and we serve that god often. All of us have done this. But it is no wonder then why we cannot hear, see, or feel the touch of God in our lives. God cannot enter in where sin is reigning. God, the examiner of our hearts, knows what we are capable of handling, and because His timing is perfect, He will bless us when we can handle that blessing in His perfect way. If we are willfully sinning without acknowledging our actions, He in His righteousness and goodness cannot condone that, and as such, we won’t necessarily be seeing the fruit of some of His promises in our lives.

Are there more than four reasons why we don’t believe in the promises of God? Oh yes, surely there are. But when considering the reasons why I personally struggle to grasp these promises in my own life, it always seems in one way or another to trickle back down to a falsehood I thought about my self, a difficult experience I am enduring or have endured, a lack of recall or familiarity with what Scripture says, or a sin I simply have not dealt with. To trust in a God we cannot literally see is not as simple as righting our worlds with four easy solutions, a quick prayer and a little trot to a therapist. What this post doesn’t mention but I would be remiss to exclude is how incredibly difficult this faith journey can be, and how gradual and intricate and sometimes slow the process of sanctification (becoming more like Christ) can be and often is. But what has always bothered me in the past when I’ve heard people talk about how difficult it is to have faith is that yes, it is a difficult thing to trust God, to be obedient when our bodies tell us we want to do things we know aren’t for our best good, etc. etc. But what is harder, I think, is to walk around not knowing why you’re doing a single thing you’re doing every day. To not believe your struggles have any purpose at all. To not have the hope that your Father in heaven cares for you and is working out the details of your life for your good. To not live with a blessed eternity in mind. It is harder to look on the face of a grieving friend and not know in your heart that there is a God who loves him or her, and Who sees and is at work in their lives. So comparatively? No, the Christian life isn’t hard. A life without faith is. And a life in suffocating darkness is something I run from.

We all want the promises of God, but we don’t want to take the step of belief. To try to see first to validate your belief won’t do what you’re hoping for and all that your intellect insists it will. Many saw the miracles of Jesus and still didn’t believe He was the son of God. If we are open to the Holy Spirit’s gentle and loving softening of our hearts, we will begin to see us as God truly sees us, and the world around us through a different lens. I don't know much, but I do know that there are many hurting souls out there who need to know they are loved and that these promises are theirs. Maybe you're one of them. I certainly am. But we must first believe and then see, for seeing alone is incomplete.

Source

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RESOURCE:

Something I have found to be very helpful...

365 Promises Blog 

• If you would like a daily devotional sent to your email that focuses and elaborates on one promise each day, visit (http://www.365promises.com/) and click on the right side of the screen where it says "Get promises by email".

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 ^"His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire." (2 Peter 1:3-4, emphasis mine)

"For all the promises of God find their Yes in him. That is why it is through him that we utter our Amen to God for his glory." (2 Corinthians 1:20)

"We humans are a hungry lot. We are driven by a craving to know who we are. Yet who we are is embedded in the heart of a holy God. Unless we seek for ourselves in the epicenter of God's grace, we will be forever condemned to walk the arid edges of self-understanding." -Calvin Miller

To Have, To Behold

Are we fools who attach quickly, express fully, elaborate completely? To expose our hearts on our sleeve - is that something that should arouse feelings of shame?

Or rather, were we meant to be this way? Imagine yourself for a moment, completely stripped of all that has been taught you of social mores and acceptability, and consider the person you are at your very core. Probably the person you were as a child. What did you gravitate towards? What things did you shout at the top of your lungs? What made you cry? What did you hate? What did you dream about?

I get it, thinking and talking about these things isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. To consider the hidden places of one’s soul is a really vulnerable thing to do and not exactly a rainy day activity. As someone who is an artist, I know that full well, and also admit that even though I’m not supposed to, I avoid it all occasionally. But I have been considering the lines, the boundaries, the things that hold us back from being the people that God intended us to be. There is benefit to structure, it is a necessary thing. But we don’t make friends because of our structure, we don’t fall in love, pursue a passion, or create things as a result of our limitations alone. In spite of them, absolutely, but not because of them. We don’t choose tv shows or movies because of how "PC" they are. We don’t appreciate a sunset or like pictures on Instagram because they’re average.

C.S. Lewis said (and I deeply paraphrase) that he believes our capacity to understand and take in beauty will increase when we get to heaven. That God has placed a meaningful ceiling of what we can withstand here on earth because of our inability to handle the full scope of the beauty He is capable of showing us. That one day, we’ll be able to. I love that. What an incredible and exciting thought.

Because really, how amazing and inexplicable is it when you catch eyes with a kindred spirit who just understood the same unspoken thing at the exact moment you did? How singularly phenomenal is it when a cool breeze hits you in just the right way as you’re looking at the sun shining through the trees? When you’re caught off guard by an unplanned stillness and quiet contentment? When a character in a movie says something that hits your heart in a way you never heard expressed aloud before? All of these things are beautiful. They are glimpses of a much, much larger reality.

Human beings are filled with beauty. Yourself included. And to appreciate it is one of the gifts that we have. But the most important thing to realize, I think, is that God created this beauty. God is beauty.

So when you are tempted to shake your fist to the heavens at the outrage you feel, remember God created the laughter of a child.

When you feel hopeless, call to mind that the Lord Himself causes the sun to rise radiantly every morning and sleepily every night.

When you are angry at the way your life is unfolding, remember warm summer rains that cleanse the earth and promise a chance for re-growth and renewal.

Do these things seem incongruous? They’re not. These things are just reminders that the things we think we know are small in magnitude compared to the deep mysteries of the world and the delight that those mysteries offer us.

These small glimpses of glory offer you a second perspective as you consider that the One who created these awe-inspiring and lovely things must also be lovely and awe-inspiring.

Beautiful things imply a beautiful Creator. You are nothing short of a miracle, your life is miraculous, the things that make you come alive are intended, and your ability to acknowledge beauty in yourself, nature, and others is one of the very things that connect you to the Divine.

This is worship. Extending beyond ourselves and our grievances to behold the glory of the One who is too beautiful for us to understand, and to be grateful He whispers that beauty to us while we are yet on this earth.

If all else about walking with God eludes you, know at the very least that the appreciation of beauty is the beginning of worship. Consider the beauty that surrounds you and how intentional and planned it must truly be. Consider what Love must be behind the Author of such beauty, what consideration and compassion and mercy and grace behind His initiation of these gifts delivered specifically to you. As you process beauty, as we all are able to do, perhaps you will begin to understand. 

That is my prayer. That we might all begin to understand, and never suppress, His beauty and heart, even when we may not understand much else. That we may never quench or squander away our appreciation for the new things unfolding before us, failing to see them as the gifts from our Heavenly Father that they truly are. That we never shrug off His beauty, especially the beauty that lies within each person regardless of what shell they have become, and that we never feel shame or apologize for expressing our gratitude for it. That we never stop expressing aloud our gratitude for it at all.

May we never bow before the created thing,

But forever bow before the King.

 Gold Fireflies in Japan (click for more...amazing!)

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Oh sing to the Lord a new song;
    sing to the Lord, all the earth!
 Sing to the Lord, bless his name;
    tell of his salvation from day to day.
 Declare his glory among the nations,
    his marvelous works among all the peoples!
 For great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised;
    he is to be feared above all gods.
 For all the gods of the peoples are worthless idols,
    but the Lord made the heavens.
 Splendor and majesty are before him;
    strength and beauty are in his sanctuary.

(Psalm 96:1-6)

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. (Psalm 139:14)

Those who look to him are radiant, 

and their faces shall never be ashamed. (Psalm 34:5)